Proxy Bride (The Lindstroms Book 1) Page 21

  “I am sad. I don’t want to be in Chicago. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with Sam.” Jenny sighed, watching her finger make circular motions on the table. “His life is there.”

  “And yours is here.”

  She nodded slowly, resigned. “My family is here.”

  They placed their orders, and Paul talked animatedly about Upper Slide and the first few weeks of ice fishing. Jenny generally made it out there with the boys once or twice during the season but knew there was a whole community of folks who spent every available moment up at the lake all season. It was composed of some very colorful characters. Listening to Paul, Jenny smiled a few times and even chuckled once.

  “There it is!” Paul exclaimed in triumph, smiling back at her. “A Jenny giggle.”

  She looked down and sipped her drink. “Well, you accomplished the impossible, Paul. You should be very proud.”

  “Jenny, if you’d let me—”

  “Don’t,” she said sharply, wincing at the tenderness in his tone. “You promised.”

  Her expression closed instantly, and any momentary cheer was quickly extinguished as they returned to awkward silence, and she was relieved when dinner finally arrived. She thought about the meal she and Sam had shared at this very table a few weeks before. He had blundered his words, telling her he wanted to have children with her someday. She’d been so shocked, and he’d looked so appalled at the slip. She sank into the memory for a moment, smiling absently.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  Jenny looked up, smile fading.

  She sighed. “Sam. He wasn’t always as smooth as he seemed. I loved that.”

  Paul’s voice was hard and annoyed when he muttered, “You only knew him for a weekend, for God’s sake.”

  Jenny stared at him, hamburger midway to her mouth. She set it down on the plate, and her lips tightened into an angry line. “What does that mean?”

  “It means…” He opened his palms in supplication. “It means—”

  “Get over it?”

  “I’m not trying to be insensitive.”

  “You’re doing a pretty good job, though.”

  “Okay, Jenny. Yes. That’s what I want to say: get over it. He’s not from here. He clearly didn’t have your best interests at heart. He turned your whole life upside down in four days. I’m not sure why he still deserves your—your devotion.”

  She nodded, folding her hands on the table in front of her. “He deserves my devotion because he was able to turn my whole life upside down in four days.”

  “I don’t underst—”

  “Not that you have a right to demand answers about my life, Paul. But it means that if I cared for him less or if he cared less for me, he wouldn’t have been able to make that kind of impression.”

  “So what, Jen? What do you want? Do you love him? Is that it? After knowing him for a long weekend, you’re in love with him?”

  She gasped and held her breath, her eyes widened, and her mouth opened loosely—she had a revelation. It was the missing puzzle piece, the cause that could make Chicago the effect. Her eyebrows knitted as she stared at the table, and out of the blue, she beamed, exhaling until her lungs were empty, looking up at Paul with a radiant smile.

  “Yes.” She started laughing, nodding, tears brightening her eyes. “Yes.” She swiped at her eyes, nodding. “Yes. After knowing him for four days, I am totally and completely in love with him.”

  He looked at her like she had lost her mind. “I don’t think you’re thinking clearly, Jenny.”

  She smiled at him, her eyes alive and full of hope. “Yes, Paul. I am.” She looked down at the table and then tried out the words again in a whisper. “I love him. I love him.”

  Paul took his napkin off his lap and tossed it on top of his plate, over his half-eaten food. His face was pinched and humorless. “Well, good for you, Jen. What the heck’s keeping you here?”

  She grimaced and swallowed as fear rose up inside of her unbidden. Fear. Her family. What if she went to Chicago and something happened to one of them? How would she live with herself?

  “Jen, what’re you going to do?” he insisted.

  “I don’t know yet.” She worked her jaw as she had seen Sam do. “But this isn’t a life. This is the shadow of a life. My dad and Lars are constantly in the park. Erik’s always helping them. Nils has his hands full with the business. They all have lives here.” Her forehead creased in thought, and her eyes were wide when she looked back up at Paul. “Is it possible I’m only staying here for Sunday suppers?”

  “It’s possible. Losing your mom was really hard for you, Jen.” He folded his hands on the table, sighing in defeat. “You know what? All right, Jenny. I promised you I’d be your friend tonight, so let’s talk. And just a little disclaimer? This is definitely your friend talking, because encouraging you to go for this guy feels all wrong for me as a man.” She met his eyes, biting her lip, desperate for some guidance, even from an unlikely source. “Here’s what I think: You’re devoted to your family. You have been for as long as I’ve known you. Especially after your mom passed. It would take a lot of courage for you to go. But you have that kind of courage, Jenny. Even if you’re not sure you do, I am. As long as Sam loves you the way you deserve to be loved, then you should be able to find that courage inside of you.”

  She nodded at him, and he continued, shaking his head, a sour expression on his handsome face.

  “May as well throw the game at this point,” he muttered, meeting her eyes with decisive intensity, using his guidance counselor voice. “Use your head, Jenny: Gardiner and Chicago aren’t the only two places in the whole world to choose from. Maybe if you’d give a little, he would too. Sometimes love means making a compromise.”

  What he said made a lot of sense. Her expression softened as she thought about how hard it must have been for him to set aside his personal feelings and counsel her.

  “There’s someone out there for you, Paul.”

  “I wish she was you.”

  “She’s not.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Fire away.”

  “If I’d…” He looked at her, his big, blue eyes serious and pleading. “If I’d spoken up sooner…if I’d asked you to take a walk with me some Sunday evening after supper and held your hand and told you how I felt, if I hadn’t waited so long…would it have made a difference?”

  She reached across the table and touched his hand gently, overcome by the wistful yearning in his voice. She shook her head. “No, Paul. It wouldn’t have.”

  He withdrew his hand from hers on the excuse of adjusting his glasses. “Well, I guess we’ll never know, Jen.”

  “I know. I promise you’ll know someday too. We’re too much alike, Paul. You need someone to challenge you too. That wouldn’t have been me. I promise I wouldn’t have made you happy, and I care about you too much to let something like that happen.”

  He cocked his head to the side like a Lindstrom and smiled at her, and she saw the littlest bit of hope in the smile. That’s when she knew he would be all right. She didn’t know why or how or with whom, but she was confident a man as good as Paul had a great love in store for him, and she smiled back at him, knowing she would have her treasured friend back again one day.

  Treasured friend. Something in those words jarred something in the back of her mind. Treasured. Treasure. Something her mother used to say. Suddenly she remembered and blurted it out: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

  “Where’d that come from?”

  “I don’t know. I think it’s something my mamma used to say.” She smiled at him with confidence and joy. “Sam’s my treasure. My heart’s in Chicago. As soon as Christmas is over, I’m going to go find it.”

  ***

  The Christmas pageant wasn’t perfect, but no Christmas pageant is ever perfect. The baby Jesus—Martha Johnson, one year old—cried bitterly at the affront of being held by the strange fiftee
n-year-old girl portraying Mary. Mrs. Johnson ended up sitting on a stool between Mary and Joseph, rocking the cradle for a pacified Martha, who sucked on her bottle and gazed lovingly at her mama. A couple of the doves of peace got into a shoving match, which ended in Dove A falling into the Angel of the Lord, who lost her halo and ended up singing “The Glory of the Lord” with a sad, bent wing. Otherwise, not bad. Not bad at all.

  Jenny had chuckled from the first pew where she was directing the children and prompting their lines. Her heart was lighter since her conversation with Paul, but she knew she still needed to talk to her pappa about her decision to head to Chicago, and she didn’t know how he would react to the news. Aside from the fact that he might object to Jenny “chasing” a man, she was sure he wouldn’t approve of the sheer distance.

  After church, Lars brought the Christmas tree to her pappa’s house, and they decorated it, sipping glögg and snacking on Swedish candies and cookies. Dinner would come later.

  Once the tree was up and trimmed, Erik turned on a Christmas movie, and the boys settled in front of the TV. Jenny’s father grabbed his pipe and headed out to the front porch swing. Jenny gulped. Now or never. She shrugged into her parka and followed him out the door.

  “Can I sit with you, Pappa?”

  “It’s cold, Jenny-girl.”

  “I don’t mind.” She sat down beside his reassuring warmth. “Why do you still smoke outside?”

  “Your mamma thought it was a disgraceful habit.” He said this with her familiar inflection. “Men will have their vices, Jen.”

  Jenny smiled. “They will, Pappa.”

  Her father puffed, and rings of sweet-smelling tobacco smoke rose into the air, over the banister of the porch, floating away to the mountains that existed in the darkness beyond. “You got something on your mind, min dotter?”

  “I do.”

  “You been sad lately, Jen. I been waiting for you to talk to me.”

  “Ah, Pappa. I don’t want to bother you.”

  “You’re my youngest child. My only girl. You don’t bother me. Why you been sad? The fella from Chicago?” She turned in surprise to look at his face. “You think an old man doesn’t notice when his daughter falls in love?”

  She gasped, eyes widening. “Wh-what? H-How did you know?”

  “Well, I meet him in the church, and I see your eyes, Jenny-girl. I see your eyes when he says him intentions is pure. I see you glowing.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “What good is it that I know it if my Jenny don’t?”

  “I love him, Pappa.”

  “Yep.”

  “I have to go to him.”

  “Yep.”

  “Chicago.”

  “…yep.”

  She paused. He didn’t fight with her. He didn’t demand assurances or promises from her or remind of her place and propriety. He just rocked quietly next to her, occasionally taking the pipe out of his mouth to tap it.

  “Pappa, I’m scared.” She whispered this admission.

  He breathed in. “I was scared when I meet your mamma. Prettiest girl at Midsummer. Flowers in her plaits. Would have followed her to China, Jenny. Would have followed her to hell. Wouldn’t have mattered. Might as well just have up and died if’n I couldn’t be with her.”

  Her father wasn’t one for flowery statements. Tears filled her eyes, and her face crumpled at the simple poignancy of his words. She bowed her head so he wouldn’t see her glistening eyes.

  “Scared is okay. Hiding isn’t. We’re strong people, Jenny. Can’t hide here in Gardiner. Life wants to be lived.”

  She nodded beside him, still trying to swallow down the enormous lump in her throat. Gratitude, fear, hope. She felt his arm around her. Her father wasn’t a big talker, and he wasn’t a big hugger. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

  “I know the gal we raised. You be scared. It’s okay. But it’s time to start moving, Jen. If the fella from Chicago’s the one, you go. Your mamma had big hopes for you. Been waiting to see when you’d get moving again. Glad to see it happen.”

  “I’ll be back, Pappa.”

  “Jenny-girl, I told you. I know the gal we raised. You’ll always be back.”

  Jenny nodded against her father’s shoulder, feeling the weight of the world lift off her shoulders and join the smoke of her father’s pipe, floating out into the mountains far away.

  “I love you, Pappa.”

  He breathed in sharply and nodded once, patting her shoulder awkwardly.

  “It’s Christmas Eve. We got to make the dinner, Jen.” He leaned forward, giving her a moment to readjust against the back of the swing. Then he stood up, tapping his empty pipe against the porch railing. “I’ll go get it started. You come when you’re ready and give your old pappa a hand.”

  As he left, he put his hand on her head for a moment, his big palm splayed out over her blonde hair. His hand moved, and she felt him kiss the top of her head and linger there for a moment. Then he turned, and she heard the door open and shut behind him.

  She used one foot to push off, curling her legs under herself, swinging gently back and forth in the dim light of the porch, staring at the endless expanse of the black Montana sky. Her feelings were sorted, she had her father’s blessing, and her decision was made:

  She loved Sam.

  She had the courage.

  For better or for worse, she was going to Chicago.

  And she wasn’t coming home until things were settled.

  ***

  Christmas was over.

  Carols had been sung.

  Pageants had been performed.

  Relatives in Bozeman had been visited.

  The morning after Christmas Day dawned bright and cheery, and Jenny woke with purpose and determination.

  She decided to buy her tickets to Chicago first, before writing to Sam. Regardless of his answer when she suggested a visit, she was going to Chicago to see him. She wasn’t giving up on him without a fight. Her laptop needed a second to boot up; she hadn’t been using it much lately. She put on the percolator to make some coffee and let Casey out of her playpen, waiting for her coffee to brew.

  She wasn’t expecting anyone, so she was surprised by the knock on her door. The first thought in her head was Sam! And even though there was no earthly reason to imagine Sam Kelley would suddenly arrive in Gardiner to see her, her shoulders slumped in disappointment when she found Erik standing outside.

  “Heya, Jen,” he said, smiling at his little sister.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  She walked back into the living room, and Erik closed the door behind him and followed her.

  “Ah, Casey! Look at you, big girl!” He reached down to scratch behind her ears, then pulled her onto his lap, taking a seat in Jenny’s easy chair.

  Jenny headed into the kitchen. “Coffee?”

  “Yep.”

  Jenny poured two cups, straightening her back. She knew how her brothers felt about Jenny leaving Gardiner for Chicago. Against her mother’s wishes, they had brought her back from Great Falls, and even though she was grateful for their interference then, she really wasn’t interested in hearing it now. She was a grown woman, and if she wanted to go halfway across the country chasing the man she wanted, well, they just needed to get the heck out of the way.

  She stirred a little milk and sugar into Erik’s cup as he liked and headed back into the living room. “Weren’t you helping Pappa with a group today?”

  “Got a few minutes. Wanted to talk to you.”

  “Could have talked to me yesterday, Erik. We were together all day.”

  “True enough. But I wanted to say something just to you. Just me to you without Lars and Nils butting in.”

  She plopped down on the loveseat across from him, eager to get this conversation over with so she could get rid of Erik and have time to clear her mind and sort her thoughts before writing her email to Sam.

  She put her coffee cup
on the table and faced him squarely. “So?”

  “Pappa told us you’re going to Chicago.” His blue eyes, so similar to hers in shape and color, held hers seriously.

  She wouldn’t be cowered. “That’s right.”

  “For Sam,” he confirmed.

  She tilted her head to the side, eyeballing him, then nodded curtly, feeling huffy.

  He breathed in deeply, about to speak, but Jenny decided she had had enough. “You know what, Erik? I get it. I’m the little Lindstrom sister, and you think I have no business chasing after a man in Chicago. And you’re afraid I’m going to get my heart broken. So I am sure you drew the short straw, and the boys sent you over or whatever. But it’s my life. Mine. And while I appreciate the protective thing you three have going here—”

  “Wanted to wish you luck, Jen.”

  Jenny stopped short and stared at her brother with her mouth open. This was the last thing she expected to hear. “You what?”

  “I just wanted to come by and wish you luck with everything.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she looked at Erik’s face, so open and genuine, and she realized how much it meant to her to have his support, his blessing. She bit her cheek to keep from crying and barely whispered, “Luck?”

  “You used to have a lot of heart, Jen. That first time the boys went to get you up in Great Falls? I know you told them to go to hell forty ways from Friday. I also know the second time they went up to get you, you had to come home because of Mamma. You had no choice. But I wasn’t with them, Jen. Neither time. Wasn’t with them, because I hated what they were doing.

  “Gardiner isn’t for everyone. Isn’t for you, and it might surprise you to know that it isn’t for me either. Pappa, Nils, and Lars? They love the park. They’d go on in there every day and wander around whether they got paid for it or not. And I love the park, Jen. You know I do. But it’s not everything for me. It’s not what I want. It’s not enough. Maybe we both got scared of leaving, you and me. I don’t know.

  “But I know I got woke up watching you, Jen. All that heart suddenly came back to you, and I got to thinking…well, I think Sam woke you up. I think that’s what happened. You know how I feel about being tied down to some gal. It’s not for me, that’s for sure. But I’m happy for you.